Like a Lake...

I've been back from Haiti for 2 weeks now. 16 days really. I hate to keep writing about how hard it has been adjusting back to this life. I mean for crying out loud... I grew up here and I've always lived this way. How does one week change everything? I don't know... I really don't... but it did. 

I feel like a real spiritual battle started in my heart the moment I stepped back into the U.S. I'm fighting this by making a choice to spend as much time talking with God and reading His word as often as possible. In every spare moment. Knowing that this will pass. My heart was broken in Haiti. I can't help but feel tremendous guilt as I lay in my large bed, food filling my cupboards, a family that loves, a roof over my head that I know will not cave in on me, and more than enough "things" cluttering up my home. 

I began to feel my heart shut down in some ways. It was overwhelming me and I just didn't feel like I had the time to deal with it. Words didn't seem to do the ache in my heart justice. I talked with my good friend Al, and he picked up on this and told me that while it is okay to hide out for a while and process these things... I should never shut God out. God's going to be pivotal in the healing and showing me what part I can play in the restoration of Jacmel. 

I feel like a curtain has been lifted and I have seen a whole new world. There are things that I like and things that leave me in tears. There is sin in both of our worlds. There is no hiding from it.

I think of heaven and it fills me with hope. Jesus has mansions up their for my friends in Jacmel. Our names are written there. What a day it will be when we see their faces as they first stand up on ground that doesn't shake. How great God is. 

So rather than think on the guilt. I will remember their joy. Their hands reaching up to the sky while they're singing, "My God has not forgotten me." So rather than shut up my heart... I want to lay it out.

I was listening to Sara Groves today in the car. Her song "Like a Lake" played, and while I have heard this song countless of times, it struck me in a totally different way. This helped me change my heart and my mind... I want to love and be like a lake. 

"Like A Lake" Sara Groves.

so much hurt and preservation 
like a tendril round my soul 
so much painful information 
no clear way on how to hold it 

when everything in me is tightening 
curling in around this ache 
I will lay my heart wide open 
like the surface of a lake 
wide open like a lake 

standing at this waters edge 
looking in at God's own heart 
I've no idea where to begin 
to swallow up the way things are 

everything in me is drawing in 
closing in around this pain 
I will lay my heart wide open 
like the surface of a lake 
wide open like a lake 

bring the wind and bring the thunder 
bring the rain till I am tried 
when it's over bring me stillness 
let my face reflect the sky 

and all the grace and all the wonder 
of a peace that I can't fake 
wide open like a lake 

everything in me is tightening 
curling in around this ache 
I am fighting to stay open 
I am fighting to stay open 
open open oh wide open 
open like a lake

So.

I am healing. God is doing a work on my heart... It's just going to take some time for me to fully process it all. 

Thank goodness for my friends who were with me on the trip. We have bonded over our homesickness for our Haiti friends and we have all felt the guilt.

Good news: 30 kids have been sponsored in the last 3 weeks!  30 kids! 30 more children are getting fed, going to school and getting clothed. Sweet. Sweet. Sweet. 

Check it out:

www.restorehaiti.epiccreativity.com

Road trips : Disappointment : Coffee : Hope : Faith.

20. 

I don't know how I feel about being 20. I love the freedom, but I hate being alone. I can't wait to get going, but not quite ready to leave. Felix and I agree... It's been a lot of change lately. Not all bad. Not all good. 

Adjusting back to life in the States was a bit harder than I thought it would be.  

I miss it...

Our worlds are so different. There are sweet, sweet moments in mine, and sweet, sweet moments in theirs. There is pain, loss and confusion there... and we've felt it here too. It may look different, but we really do have more in common than what I originally thought. The same sun that shines down on the streets where the orphans play, shines across my face and wakes me up in the morning. The same God that holds their hands, holds me too...

It was only a couple days after getting home from Haiti that I packed my bags and headed up to Iowa. After a day of being in Cedar Falls, plans changed. There was a glitch in the plan, and pretty soon the whole trip was completely different than what I'd hoped it would be...

I have a tendency to be pretty stubborn on things.

 Sometimes I chase love that never was. Waste time on the silliest of things... and it takes me forever to understand that God's trying so hard to get me to move on to better, healthier, and a happier place. His plan IS better after all...

Thank God for family. 

Thank God for coffee and those big, comfy purple chairs at Starbucks.  

Thank God for those who will sit with me while I cry and try to figure stuff out... And don't judge me when I run in circles over the same problem, but instead try turn my focus to God. 

Sometimes I need to be reminded that while the world is changing, there are a few things that aren't going anywhere. Like home. Minds can be changed, words can be taken back, and in one moment things aren't what we thought they were... but at the end of the day, I know where I can go. 

There's a song in there somewhere. I just need to find it. 

Hearts break so easily, but God is the best at healing. It's not that I'm okay with being hurt, because let's face it - it's down right awful, but... it's when I hurt the most that I find out how great my God is. No pain is ever too deep for Him to reach. 

I have decided this week to release some relationships that I don't have the ability to fix. I can't fix them, but God can... and He will... in time. 

So, in this time of change, I can honestly say that my heart is okay. At least I know now that some things stay the same. The important things. The important relationships. They don't go anywhere. They aren't just important to me, they are important to God and He takes care of them. He's on our side. :)

As I'm writing this... my eyes are falling shut. Felix is asleep on my feet and "The Proposal" is playing on my DVD player. Sleep is starting to look pretty good. 

There are some pretty exciting things going on this week... Lots of new, fun things :) I'm ready for this... 

Dove Awards are tomorrow. 

Speaking of. 

I need to pick out my dress. 

Oh joy. 

NiNi. :) 

I Am Not Forgotten.

"I am not forgotten. I am not forgotten. I am not forgotten. God knows my name" is a little diddy sung by my favorite group of kiddos here at the church in Jacmel, Haiti. It's been repeating in my heart all day. While I'm getting ready, while I'm clearing rubble, while we are cooking lunch and passing out plates for the feeding program... even after I've closed my eyes at night. 

Tomorrow is our last full day in Haiti. I miss warm showers, I miss my car... I miss my family, but I can tell you this: I will miss them too. Today we heard stories from some of the families that were with us. They told us where they were when the earthquake hit. My friend Wendell lost so many friends. Wendell is 14 and speaks English pretty well. She's taught me so much Creole this week. We've laughed sooo much and we have so much in common. I like music. She likes music. We both like to play games with the kids. I am fascinated by her hair and she is fascinated with mine. She is from Port Au Prince. I will miss her. 

There are so many kids here, but there are 5 or 6 that I know by name. When it is silent I can hear their voices. "I am not forgotten. I am not forgotten. I am not forgotten. God knows my name." Marie. Harley. Steve. Gaelle. Mena. Jimson. Michaellin. Wendell...

Jimson is one of my favorites. He's 5 and doesn't know much English. He usually only communicates with me by animal sounds. He is quite fluent in dog. His laugh is contagious and he is fascinated by my nose ring. Silly, kid. 

I met my sponsor child, Gaelle. Ruebens, (our translator) grabbed her for me and introduced us. She was so shy and quiet until he told her who I was. She immediately ran to me and threw her arms around her neck. She is quite a quiet little gal, but that girl can love on people. She likes to sit on my lap and wrap my arms around her. I gave her bubbles and a sucker. I'm telling you, those kids love bubbles. When I was little, I never went through a whole bottle of bubbles. They go through them in less than an hour.  I love it. 

My friend Wendell and I are going to the roof until church :)

Au revoir! :) 

Airplanes. Tap-Taps. and Hands.

Hello from Haiti and happy Easter!

 I honestly don't know where to start. We haven't even been here for 24 hours and I feel changed. 

We landed in Port Au Prince yesterday late in the afternoon. We were very happy after a loooong day of travel and some maintenance issues with our last plane. The airport was crowded and there was no real structure of claiming your bag... You just kinda search the floors and go. We walked outside and as soon as we stepped out onto the sidewalk we were greeted by my friend, Ben, and a group from Restore Haiti. It was so good to see familiar faces. After the hugs and hellos we walked to the van. On the way an older man grabbed me by the arm and started speaking to me in Creole. When he saw that I did not understand him, he said, "How are you?" and I replied, "I'm great. How are you?"... he looked at me and smiled the biggest kind of smile and said "I'm okay. I'm just so happy you're here. Thank you." Then he walked away. 

The trip from Port Au Prince to Jacmel is a 3 hour drive up a steep mountain. The traffic here is crazy. Lots of tap-tap buses. Tap-taps are Haiti's public transportation system. They are basically pick up trucks with rails on the side. They pile 20 people or so in (it's a tight fit...) and the people tap the truck when they want off. 

There are no driving rules here... the main goal is just to get to where your going without hitting something. Oh, and don't stick your hand out the window. The roads are very narrow and cars passing are only inches away from you. For the first 45 minutes or so I was on the edge of my seat as vans and tap-taps squeezed by us. 

Today is Easter. While I miss my family, I'm so so so glad to be here today. Church lasted about 3 hours and we spent an hour before hand running around with the kids. That was my favorite part. They take you into the kids' tent and they just mob you. They want to hold your hand, your arm, give you a hug and say "My name is..." or "Jesus loves you." We ran around outside and taught them how to play duck, duck, goose. In Creole it is Cannar, Cannar, Zwa. We blew bubbles, flew kites and carried them around. The language barrier makes me want to learn Creole so badly. At least I know how to say Hello and thank you (Thank you French class.) And I felt so blessed to be apart of Worship this morning.

After church we went to the ocean and saw Pastor Lafleur baptize a dozen people. While standing at the beach Pastor looked at me and said, "Sing, Callie." so... I sang. We prayed for people. I'm shocked at how welcoming people are. They want help so badly. 

Words don't even come close to describing what Haiti is right now.  A t.v. screen can't capture it... and even my brain is having trouble wrapping around the idea of how poor and hurt this country is. All I know is that God loves us. He loves all of us. He loves that little old man standing outside of the airport and loves each of the children's hands that I got to hold this morning. 

A little girl, Mikayla, stuck by me all morning. She was probably 5 or 6 years old. She held my hand for hours. Every once in a while she would pull up my hand next to her face and look at my ring. I love my ring. It's from an antique shop in Franklin, TN. God told me to give her that ring. I'm not going to lie, I hesitated. Like I said, I like that ring, but God kept insisting. So the next time she pulled my hand up to her face I let go of her hand. Pulled off my ring. I grabbed her hand and slipped it onto her tiny little finger. Her face LIT UP! She held out her hand admiring it and then tried to give it back. When I told her no, she smiled a big smile. She held on to that ring for dear life, keeping her thumb in place so she could know that it was still there. Jesus loves you, girl. 

I feel so thankful. I'm so glad that God made this possible. This week is going to fly by. Man, there are some cool people in this world. 

Restless.

Happy April Fools day, Blogger! No, I am not pregnant (although, that is a classic, I believe my mum would pee her pants... and that's not fun for anyone. ;) So far today I have found out that my friend, Kaley Kelsey, is moving to Alaska... then Kaley informed me that I am moving to Australia (Much better weather there.) and I found out that Felix is a she and she is expecting puppies. While none of that is actually true, my friends and I got quite the giggle out of it. 

2 more days until Haiti. 48 hours from now I will be sitting in an airport in Miami. I'm ready for this. 

God's showing me some things. We've been talking about our real-life heroes in our small group these last few weeks. It's crazy how some of those things change. If you would have asked me who my heroes were 5 months ago I would have had a completely different set of answers. Someone can promise to be something to you and change their mind. It's as simple as that. That's hard for me to understand. In a few short words, your world changes. I guess I'm stubborn and I don't like things changing. God ends relationships or removes people sometimes for a reason. I just don't like the sound that goodbyes make. Thank you, Jon McLaughlin, for understanding. Sometimes I remember how things used to be and wonder how we got to where we are now. Somewhere along the way we lost touch with who we were when we started. 

I need to quit rambling and just go write a song. I can feel it.

Patty Griffin "You'll Remember" 

Maybe one day along the way
You'll remember me on this island
Smiling at you how I used to
Maybe one day, you'll remember

And it won't be sad to think of all we had
All unhappy ends will be behind us then
Maybe one day along the way
You'll think of me, and you'll be smiling

Maybe one day, maybe one day
Maybe one day, you'll remember