Like a Lake...

I've been back from Haiti for 2 weeks now. 16 days really. I hate to keep writing about how hard it has been adjusting back to this life. I mean for crying out loud... I grew up here and I've always lived this way. How does one week change everything? I don't know... I really don't... but it did. 

I feel like a real spiritual battle started in my heart the moment I stepped back into the U.S. I'm fighting this by making a choice to spend as much time talking with God and reading His word as often as possible. In every spare moment. Knowing that this will pass. My heart was broken in Haiti. I can't help but feel tremendous guilt as I lay in my large bed, food filling my cupboards, a family that loves, a roof over my head that I know will not cave in on me, and more than enough "things" cluttering up my home. 

I began to feel my heart shut down in some ways. It was overwhelming me and I just didn't feel like I had the time to deal with it. Words didn't seem to do the ache in my heart justice. I talked with my good friend Al, and he picked up on this and told me that while it is okay to hide out for a while and process these things... I should never shut God out. God's going to be pivotal in the healing and showing me what part I can play in the restoration of Jacmel. 

I feel like a curtain has been lifted and I have seen a whole new world. There are things that I like and things that leave me in tears. There is sin in both of our worlds. There is no hiding from it.

I think of heaven and it fills me with hope. Jesus has mansions up their for my friends in Jacmel. Our names are written there. What a day it will be when we see their faces as they first stand up on ground that doesn't shake. How great God is. 

So rather than think on the guilt. I will remember their joy. Their hands reaching up to the sky while they're singing, "My God has not forgotten me." So rather than shut up my heart... I want to lay it out.

I was listening to Sara Groves today in the car. Her song "Like a Lake" played, and while I have heard this song countless of times, it struck me in a totally different way. This helped me change my heart and my mind... I want to love and be like a lake. 

"Like A Lake" Sara Groves.

so much hurt and preservation 
like a tendril round my soul 
so much painful information 
no clear way on how to hold it 

when everything in me is tightening 
curling in around this ache 
I will lay my heart wide open 
like the surface of a lake 
wide open like a lake 

standing at this waters edge 
looking in at God's own heart 
I've no idea where to begin 
to swallow up the way things are 

everything in me is drawing in 
closing in around this pain 
I will lay my heart wide open 
like the surface of a lake 
wide open like a lake 

bring the wind and bring the thunder 
bring the rain till I am tried 
when it's over bring me stillness 
let my face reflect the sky 

and all the grace and all the wonder 
of a peace that I can't fake 
wide open like a lake 

everything in me is tightening 
curling in around this ache 
I am fighting to stay open 
I am fighting to stay open 
open open oh wide open 
open like a lake

So.

I am healing. God is doing a work on my heart... It's just going to take some time for me to fully process it all. 

Thank goodness for my friends who were with me on the trip. We have bonded over our homesickness for our Haiti friends and we have all felt the guilt.

Good news: 30 kids have been sponsored in the last 3 weeks!  30 kids! 30 more children are getting fed, going to school and getting clothed. Sweet. Sweet. Sweet. 

Check it out:

www.restorehaiti.epiccreativity.com